Sunday, September 1, 2013

Gaia Hypothesis

Short Story

The scientists hated the solution.  Global warming stopped because the aliens from 2001 a space odyssey saved the planet.

I mean that was the joke right?  These asshole aliens came down, and said, I shit you not, "we are here to serve man."  But you know that already.  It was in all the papers--or CNN--or Facebook.

It was a bizarre moment.  We were told that Global Warming would basically stop because the aliens had seen a huge increase in temperature fluctuations and they had said, "well, this isn't good."  So they turned a knob and restabilized our planet.  It was particularly bizarre because I remember looking over at the Republican senator's face--you know the guy, he's white, gray, and from Texas--and seeing the smug look on his face.  He basically was flipping off the climate scientists who were watching him on national television with that smile.

But then came the bit of news that made him shut up.  Global warming had been happening, but the aliens were stopping it.  The alien must have done its research because it looked right at Mr. Oil Tycoon Senator and said, "however, without our intervention you would have annihilated yourselves within the next 3 decades--mostly due to greedy oil barons.

I bet the scientists at NOAA cracked a very expensive bottle of champagne at that one.

It's funny though, I always thought that aliens would show up seconds before we annihilated ourselves with nukes.  I'm a child of the Cold War.  Back then it was all about Mutually Assured Destruction and nuclear fallout.

And before the aliens, it was the Warm War.  The war about changing global temperatures.  Mutually Assured Destruction was guaranteed but no one could stop it because it didn't happen in an instantaneous flash of nuclear fusion.  Instead it happened slowly, and we were all little nukes, slowly blowing up the Earth.  Incinerating it.  I tried to reduce my carbon footprint, but I'm an American--and proud of it--we don't really save energy.  We make it bigger, better, crazier.  And we add cup-holders--that's a bit outdated of a joke.  But we do love to use energy. 

I mean, look at this room we are in.  It's my dream home.  Double-paned weatherproof windows sure, but in a space this big covering that much area.  In the winter I have to crank up the heat to 77 just to keep it warm in here.  And that doesn't count my gas fireplace.

Look I don't think we all need to live in a hovel, but I don't need a separate room for my workout equipment, my home computer, my home office, my guitars, my dogs, and my coats.  And I don't need the rooms to each be the size of a small convention center.  But I have it.  And it looks great.  This house is beautiful.

So, what's the lesson?  Why did these assholes come down like angels and change everything to the way it needs to be?  Hell, I hear they are even restoring some of the species we destroyed--like the Tasmanian Tiger.  I mean, what's the lesson?  No one seems to care about electric cars anymore.  No one seems to care about saving the planet.  Now the aliens just turn dials. We reap the benefits and never have to suffer the consequences.  Shouldn't we be responsible stewards or something?

I don't know.  If I were them, I'd just crank up the heat again.  We suck.

Maybe that's the lesson.  Maybe we aren't supposed to be the stewards of this planet.  We are just dumb apes who fancy ourselves intellectuals.  We're just curiosities I guess.

Have you ever seen one of those Ecospheres? Glass balls with animals inside.  It's a self-regulating system with algae, shrimp and snails.  The whole system stays in harmony if everything is done right.

Sometimes I feel like we are in the Ecosphere, thinking we have it under control.  When really, the aliens are pulling the strings.

We will never be masters of our destiny.  We'll always be the shrimp.  I guess that's the lesson.  We are dumb.  Really dumb.