Thursday, November 29, 2012

Why I Hate the Holidays--Or Christmas

Why I hate the holidays...

I don't actually hate the holidays. I love the holidays. But I have a lot of problems with the consumer culture. And the holidays sort of become the time when corporations give up any pretense of being noble and just try to sell people shit.

Here's one:

Notice how the white people with the gadgets do amazing things, and the minorities in the blue shirts help white people do white people things. It's so cute.

And then there is this commercial:

Observe the bad music, the flashing lights, and the farcical announcer voice. Is this a spoof of a Nintendo product? I mean, the controller looks like you are carrying around an original gameboy—only bigger.

Don't get me wrong here but everything about this commercial realizes what I predict; that Wii U is rife with more jokes than the original Wii. Yeah, like this, what happens when I add U to my Wii? Bad pick-up lines abound.

Re-watch that commercial and pretend it's an SNL skit. Too bad the announcer is totally serious.

Here's another gem:

The gifter? Who the hell thinks this shit is funny? BTW catch the only black guy—in an unassuming sweater and with thick-framed glasses at 0:20.

The gifter is some sexually repressed MILF who spends her time buying and wrapping presents for the holidays. She makes half as much as the worn out plastic MILF down the street with the Porsche but you would never know because she shops at TJ Maxx, Home Goods (never heard of that one), and Marshalls. Buy shit, people will love you and black people will stop being threatening—maybe.

Moving on:

This...this...I want those thirty seconds of my life back. Some ass just made himself a skate-a-thon poster on his phone. Because it rocks and short shorts on guys are back in fashion. And guess what? There's an app that tracks your data usage because Verizon doesn't have an affordable data plan. So they had to hire a bunch of programmers to help you manage the data that you shouldn't have to manage in the first place. What a great company huh? These guys suck.

And this:

This poor girl is very attractive but she can't do a damn thing. They need a stunt girl on the bike. They have to auto-tune her talk-singing more than Ke$ha (don't even get me started on her). They can't even have her look at the camera anymore. It's weird, she's just—sigh.

Just watch this video above to see what I mean. I feel really bad for her.

And about now you are probably asking why I've seen so many commercials. I don't even have a television. No. I have Hulu. Which has now deemed 126 seconds a reasonable amount of time for a commercial break. It is not. Hulu. You are on my shit list.

Let's get back to the commercials shall we?

You know everything that is making people fat, causing skyrocketing healthcare costs, and crippling the nation's children with diabeetus? We're associating our over the counter wild berry flavor heart burn medication with it! So you can be the fat f*** everyone knows you are. Mmmm...I've already got my kids hooked on it so they can eat all the deep fried butter they want penalty free.

And I hate to break this to you but the voice of Mater is not your friend. Watch the commercial over and over again and you get the sense of how many god awful takes he had to endure while shilling a product that will never make America truly great.

And then there's Hallmark. I'm running out of steam but make your own easy analysis of why this makes me despise the holidays.

Not that I actually hate the holidays—or Christmas.

Seriously where's your Christmas cheer if all you are worried about is grinching companies about neglect to use a Christian greeting. Bill, how would you feel if you were a Jew?

Here's a list of Jews who owned, founded, or significantly contributed to retail stores. Isn't it a bit disrespectful to say they are waging War on Christmas when they are actually just adhering to their own religion?

From “Haym Solomon and Isaac Moses are responsible for creating the first modern-banking institutions.
Jews created the first department stores: The Altmans, Gimbels, Kaufmanns, Lazaruses, Magnins, Mays, and Strausses became leaders of major department stores.
Julius Rosenwald revolutionized the way Americans purchased goods by improving Sears Roebuck's mail order merchandising.
Hart, Schaffner, Marx, Kuppenheimer and Levi Strauss became household names in mens' clothing.
Isadore & Nathan Straus - "Abraham & Straus," eventually became sole owners of Macy's, the world's largest department store, in 1896.
The fortunes of English-Jewish financiers such as Isaac Goldsmid, Nathan Rothschild, David Salomons, and Moses Montefiore helped England become an empire.
Armand Hammer (Arm & Hammer) was a physician and businessman who originated the largest trade between the U.S. and Russia.
Louis Santanel was the financier who provided the funds for Columbus' voyage to America.
Levi Strauss invented durable pants first used by Forty-niners during the Gold Rush. These "wonderful pants of Levi's" were made of a heavy blue denim material called "genes" in France. The pants he created, called levis or jeans, have become an emblem of the American West and an emissary of the Western lifestyle -- egalitarian, utilitarian, independent -- around the world.”

The point I'm making is that there are a lot of jerks out there trying to exploit us. This time is for piety, reflection, family, and real love yet often we are shilled gluttony, excess, outrage, and the promise of happiness through material wealth. Lest we forget that Jesus took a vow of poverty and preached openness to all people, we are lost as consumers—sheep without a shepherd preyed, upon by selfish wolves.