Thursday, September 27, 2012

ninetwentyseven

A little update. I put in the time to make a website.

But this month I've done so much. I celebrated my grandmother's 90th birthday. I went to the beach house. I taught the kitten to sit.

And actually, that's about it.

There's a lot going on though. And I probably have a lot to say about it.

It's really freakin' hard to do this blog though. In living life I have lost touch with my inner realm; the blog that is my attempt at chronicling my life and offering up something substantive to the annals of history.

Certainly these tasks are large and the pay-off only really comes when I die. And even then it is still a big question mark. If no one finds what I write valuable then it all disappears. And no one even cares. It's not sad or anything, just the truth.

Hundreds of thoughts pass through my head as fleeting as falling stars and none will ever find their way into print.

Is something lost? Probably not. We only really lose what we had and valued.

And the paradox is that living life to store up artifacts of my life takes time that I could be using to curate my exhibit. Do I hoard my experiences and thoughts, only giving the slightest window into my mind to those who take the time to scour my archives or do I put everything on display haphazardly? Or curated perfectly and with few exhibits?

I think that adequately explains how this blog can yo yo between the best writing I've ever done or—as with tonight—a chaotic wreck of ideas smattered onto paper as if Jackson Pollock were painting in a wind storm while having a seizure.

I just checked my word count. Because I want to be done. Because I don't want to explain my life or the thoughts that pass idly through my empty head space. I don't want to examine myself or my surroundings. I want to rest and feel comfortable and relaxed.

My jaw is sore from grinding my teeth; the news cycle is dull and the election is not at stake anymore. I'm bored and tired with humanity. I just want people to figure their shit out. So I can be me.

And they can...y'know.