Friday, June 8, 2012

Dying in the Future

My life is…moving again.

It felt like everything was in slow motion leading up to Marian’s funeral. But it’s moving now and I think I’m happy to be moving.

I’m not sure. I cringed today at the thought that I can easily live here until I’m 25 and think nothing of it. Death has been sneaking up on me. I had a dream last night that I had a fatal form of cancer. Less than forty eight hours to live. And I escaped from the hospital because I felt fine and wanted to live more than be confined.

And I was scared but all I wanted was to feel the breeze. And sit and think and love and live. I wanted so badly to squeeze a life into my last 48. Not that I’m actually dying. Just that I had dreams that made me feel held in by my reality.

Things that were will never be again and my life will leave me someday. It’s ok. It’s how it is.

Death happens. Once in a lifetime; how can I possibly miss it.

So my life is moving and my plans into the future are solidifying in a way that I never expected. I suppose that growing up was all about change. Things metamorphosed in exciting and wonderful ways. Now they change in ways that are far more shocking and unexpected. Yet there are constants that stretch decades into the future. And that’s comforting.

The people who will bury me and mourn me, I do not know yet. I just don’t know who they are. I mean, as long as I live into old age, I will likely be buried by my children and grandchildren. It’s a chilling and incongruous thought that the people who will love me so much that they will plan my funeral and make sure that I have a well polished headstone have yet to be part of this world.

And I won’t know them for many years.

But I will love them in ways I can’t fathom.

Not to get too mushy or metaphysical. Just to point out a truth—or an ideal one. If my family stays closely knit like it is now, I will be buried by family I don’t know.

It’s kind of cool. I look forward to meeting them I suppose.