Sunday, May 20, 2012

Spring Cleaning 2012

We cleaned today. It was good to get the floors clean. The carpets clean. The spaces and corners clean. All the things that needed to be cleaned. They got cleaned. And what a peculiar thing to see into places you haven’t since you moved in and find that dust bunnies have been gathering slowly. Somehow, that space you can’t seem to quite fill has filled itself—if only with dirt.

Dust bunnies, old nail clippings, skin, and hair. All the things we leave behind. But never intend to. And it felt good when we cleared it out. I felt refreshed and happy. A clean space signifies new beginnings. It is a recharge, a do-over, a restart, an extra life, a one-up. Everything is clean now, but I feel empty somehow. As if knowing that things were building up, some sort of record of my presence—even if they were just scraps of my body—was a comforting reminder that I exist. And that I will persist.

That’s foolish though. I do not feel the loss of an eyelash. It is no more me than a house is a city.

I’m not sure what I’m driving at. I’m not sure what I’m trying to say.

I suppose that I feel compelled to sluff off my baggage and become something new. But I want to keep the old in a way that is neither distant nor too familiar. I want what I cannot have.

I feel clean though. And I feel like I can live and breathe. The winter stuffiness is gone. The air is crisp. The apartment feels new again.

Today was long. Don’t get me wrong. The day was very long. And everything we do will be undone soon. My hair will fall back to the floor. My skin will shed itself quietly, leaving itself on our dressers and in our most unreachable corners. Ciera will drop her bobby pins everywhere. Sometimes, when she is in a hurry and cannot find where she stored her used ones, she will briefly reverse the entropy and find a bobby pin on the floor.

It’s all fractional though. Everything happens so gradually we barely notice. And when we look back we can only say that there was a moment when it was clean then dirty then clean again.