Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Self Check-in: A Little Lonesome

I haven’t written much about me lately. I guess I’ve been living in the political world. I have been kind of lonely lately. My friends work odd hours or don’t live in Seattle. And Ciera has been working on the Producers into the wee hours of the morning. I see her for a few minutes in the morning and a few minutes when she comes home.

One of us is usually asleep when that happens. I feel kind of alone. It’s hard to get out and make friends or meet people or even be active when your life has turned into a one man show. I don’t know. Sometimes I think about how to make friends and the prospect sort of scares me. I’m not very outgoing when it comes to meeting people. I just sort of hang around and awkwardly think of ways to jump into conversations.

It’s painful. I know other people feel that way but this really gives me anxiety. It’s hard to not be stressed in unfamiliar social situations for me. And all I really want is to talk to someone but I don’t want to be an imposition and I can’t read any visual cues.

It all bugs the crap out of me. And then there is the entire awkward deal with people at work. I like the people I work with a lot but I don’t know how to be professional and colloquial. I’m no good really at being appropriately social. And my attempts to interact sort of end at the “let’s talk about work briefly and I’ll say something kind of funny or tension breaking then I will keep on moving” level. I’m not very good at breaking past that.

I guess I could try to join a sports team. And I would love to do that but I get a ton of anxiety just thinking about being the new guy on any team. I guess this is a big ego thing. I never feel like I bring any value to any interaction. That’s why I feel comfortable with my friends. Because I don’t worry about my value. I know there is nothing to prove with them, there is nothing to do other than be there for them. And being there for a stranger is hard work.

Right now for me it’s a little impossible.

But the weather has been nice and I love walking around Seattle. I just feel a little small in the big city sometimes.