Monday, February 6, 2012

Unholy Healthcare

Satanists, in response to Obama’s hugely unethical recent ruling that forces any institution that provides health insurance to provide full coverage as dictated by federal law, hereby issue a formal complaint.

While there are few instances where worshipers of Lucifer (Satanists) find reason to side with Catholics, on this recent ruling the Unholy Church of the Fallen Angel finds no qualms allying with the Catholic church. As a hallowed institution that is governed by the constitution of these United States, we find it utterly despicable that we would be forced to contract our first amendment rights to conform to these unfettered expansions on executive power.

Satanists have long endured persecution and foreshortening of their rights as a religious institution. We were banned from performing our rituals in crowded theaters due to their excessive use of fire. After many subsequent stampedes when the fire danger was not real, we were forced to perform far more mundane ceremonies at interior public events and drastically increase our animal sacrifice costs to make up the difference. It was a heavy financial burden for the Church, but as we could not justify the large numbers of holy and unholy trampling deaths, we ceded our argument to Satan’s court--the Supreme Court.

When the Pope called the new law to our attention, we were shocked. The Pope only calls on Christmas and Easter to rub it in. All the same, after hissing several dark psalms into the phone, we found ourselves outraged that the government would try to regulate the services that were required to be considered a healthcare provider. The Catholics take issue with having to provide all forms of contraception--including plan b--to anyone on their plans. Their belief that an unfertilized egg and a menstruating woman is the cessation of life being a radically unscientific notion of conception notwithstanding--we found ourselves compelled to stand-up and fight this law.

While many hardline GOPers have called this the work of the Devil, we, the Devil’s earthly representatives, assure you that it was not his work.

As a Church and a healthcare provider to our many valued employees on Wall St and used car dealerships everywhere we find it important that our healthcare plan conform to our belief structure. Our wide variety of enterprises extends far beyond the ritualistic orgies of animal feces that have been the signature of our religion since this country’s inception. We invented Charmin--the devilishly soft and sturdy toilet paper. We are significant shareholders of Ford Motor Corp. We employ thousands at the many Ace Hardware’s around the nation. And of course, we are heavily invested in the board game industry with classic family favorites as our flagship products: Ouija, Magic Cards, and Candyland. As the employer of hundreds of thousands of secular and religious people from diverse backgrounds we are everywhere. As an act of defiance to this unconstitutional infringement on our American Liberties we hereby refuse to provide healthcare coverage as Obama has mandated and will now only provide Satan approved services.

The Church’s new policy will include some major changes. The most notable are below.

Abortions, or at least sacrifice of first born children before their tenth birthday, are now mandatory as per Beezlebub 1:17.

Only Satanic forms of contraception will now be covered: coitus interruptus, thinking of baseball, extreme sexual disappointment followed by a period of sobbing followed by lamentations, lambskin condoms, the patch (but not the pill), and plan b. Gomorrah 3:23.

Draining of the humors to cure the flu. Ex-exodus 8:9.

The consumption of Ezekiel bread for 90 days as a show of faith and as a cure to syphilis and incest. Ezekiel 14:12-22.

Gay couples will be allowed all medical rights of a married couple regardless of legal standing in state law. Deus 10:32

Some may try to challenge us in the American court system, but we have confidence that our legal reasoning is sound. Besides, all the good lawyers are avid members of our faith anyways.

The Satanists