Saturday, February 25, 2012

Shop-aholic 3/3

Short story 3/3

The next day was the antique store’s closing sale. I didn’t bother to parallel park. I pulled up on the sidewalk and strolled up to the store front. It was packed. I pulled out three flash bangs and tossed them into the store. I turned around and turned on my shopping playlist on my iPod.

The lead in of a big band and I was off. I turned on the siren, but could not hear anything. I tossed smoke bombs to the different corners of the store and made my way to the tiny collectibles section. I perused the items luxuriously as people rolled on the ground in what I assume was pain. I smiled under my gas mask and shot tear gas into the vent above me.

It was a wonderful experience. The moment when you stop caring about the safety and well-being of others and instead become hell-bent on maintaining your own sanity is unparalleled. I was happy shopping for once. I saw a cute vintage vase with paintings of a farm on the outside. I wanted it so badly. I looked at the nearest writhing body on the floor. It was a store clerk; perfect.

I roughly grabbed her and asked her how much. She may have been disoriented from the flash bangs and the tear gas, or she may not have heard me through my gas mask, but she never did answer me. It didn’t matter, there was no place for it at my place.

As I made my way to the back of the store a woman--probably desperate for relief from the excruciating pain I had put her in, grabbed my ankle and tried to use me as a ladder to claw her way to her feet. I pulled out my taser and stunned her. No one could blame me for defending myself from such a rude person. Who claws at someone in an antiques store? The consumer society is out of control I thought to myself. Regular manners no longer applied and fellow patrons felt that it was ok to physically assault another person.

This was antiquing for Christ-sakes This wasn’t a war zone. The kitsch patrons were incorrigible. When I had found what I was looking for I went to check out.

The clerks were terrible at the store, but their selection was magnificent. Because the woman in charge of check-out was sobbing and throwing up in a corner, I rang up my own items.

And that was the first best shopping trip I went on. Since then I haven’t been able to get enough of that relaxing experience. Black Friday this year will be nothing.