Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Cheap Champagne 3/3

Someone replied, “well pick someone, there are three guys here. You can pick whoever you wish.” It was a conniving move. I felt all sorts of things. I wanted her to pick me but only because I wasn’t self-confident in my appearance and wanted to know that I was good enough for an ugly drunk girl. I wanted her to pick someone else because she was an ugly drunk girl who was going to try to do things with me I wasn’t sure about. And I felt objectified; a lap to sit on.

Uncomfortable anticipation spread across the hot tub as she made her way to me. I was polite and let her sit on my lap and I uncomfortably tried to make the most of the situation. But what was that? A strange setting, an ugly drunk girl barely past childhood, and everyone around a hot tub pushing their expectations on me.

I wanted to go home. I sat there though. It was all I did. I didn’t mope or express myself. I didn’t anything. All I wanted was acceptance and safety in that moment. Instead I was given a girl too drunk to sit on her own in a hot tub and the hormonal coherency of a teenager.

At some point I ended up alone with her in a room and she started trying to undress in front of me. My cousins both tried to egg me on with meaningful stares and excused themselves from the room.

And it just felt wrong to take advantage of her. Aside from my own personal feelings about the wrecked nature of her face, there was the issue of her drunkenness. Lots of things have changed about my opinions on drugs and sex in the intervening years between being an unkissed virgin to someone who has survived a liberal arts education.

Back then everything about the body and mind was sacred. Its desecration through the alcohol was one thing. The sacrifice of the body while the mind was partially checked out was another.

As she started to undress I turned and walked out of the room to try to get an adult. But it was only teenagers.

“Dude she totally wants to make out with you,” one of my cousins said.

“I...” I shook my head. That was all I could really muster. I didn’t want to hurt her, but clearly that was all I could do.