Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Missed Connections vSemi-Final

The nearly final version of the piece. Come see Ciera and I perform it this Saturday at SPACE in Pioneer Square.

Missed Connections:
Preamble--if you get lost, trade lines. Names that are not M or F denote deviations from the ‘main’ story arc.

F: If loving you is a crime...I should be frisked and cuffed immediately!

CHILL: I'll come over and we can chill (takes a picture of penis) Like it says I'll come over we can chill, have a fun time, watch a movie, or something else. I can sleep on the couch if you want. Reply to this post?

SEARCH: I looked up your name on facebook but couldn't find you anywhere I even googled your name and couldn't find you. Well I hope you read these things cause I thought we hit it off and would love to talk to you again. If this is you I hope to hear from you.

WRITER: You always asked me to write you a missed connection. Well here it is. Do you remember the first night we spent together? We willed ourselves to stay awake afterwards. I can sit here and reminiscence about all the moments we had together. But I think that night will always be my favorite.

CLOSED: (melodramatically) Closed. Facebook closed. Linkedin closed. You hate me. Everyone hates me. I’ve nothing left. I won't be here anymore. Don't look for me. It will be like I never existed. No one cared enough to even give me a hug. It's really all I needed. To feel cared for and loved.

All: (Sigh) Reply to this post?

F1: Unless all of the following points are true

M: Use your 'back' button to exit this part of craigslist

F1: I am at least 18 years old--(scoffs) yeah...

M: I understand 'missed connections' may include adult content

F1: I release craigslist from any liability that may arise from my use.

All: (one bored, another monotone, another flabbergasted more or less) Choosing safer sex for you and your partner greatly reduces the risk of contracting STDs including HIV.

F: In the barber shop there was the hottest guy waiting for a haircut. He had beautiful blue eyes and a maroon ball cap, and no wedding ring. He was sitting in front of the pictures posted on the wall for the types of haircuts offered, and my kids kept standing in front of him... I apologized, and he said--

M: that’s fine (laughs)

F:--and laughed. My son wanted the NIKE sign shaved into his head and I said NO, and the guy started laughing.. Just can’t get you outta my mind! Chance of you reading this or ever seeing you again is slim to none, but hey never know right?

M: I don't know if you look here anymore or think about me. It's hard to move on without you, I don't know how long it will take to get over you, I wish I didn't have to, but that's not my choice.

DOE:Well that wasn't very productive I saw you today and basically ignored you because I'm afraid if I look at you I will just stare at you like a deer in headlights. I have a pretty good feeling you are married anyway since you are older than me and seem to be a well pulled together person but I do have a little crush on you even though I rarely see you. I guess you could say the place where I see you is the the type of place where you don't have an opportunity to really talk much anyway you are busy and I don’t want to make you feel awkward . Reminds me of a school girl crush--though I’m kinda 10 years past that cut off. Anyway that’s all.

M: It's like you're Hell bent on hurting me..


M: Yes! I would like to purchase the bucket...all four of them...Your incredible smile and beautiful eyes really made my day!

F1: I saw you at the store. I think you saw me! (winks and M waves back) Hope you see this! Email with a description of me and what I had in my hand so I know it's you.. I helped you again at the bus stop? Hope to hear from you soon.

M: We chatted about soaps and scents... Your voice deep and sexy... Your laugh incredibly contagious... Your smile precious... Your hair beautiful and flowing... We chatted about a few things... I was interrupted by a call. I wanted desperately to tell you how beautiful you were in my eyes... My heart was racing. If you happen to read this please write back. Id just love to make a new friend. (Smiles, waits alone on-stage. Smile becomes strained; fades to neutral then worried).

F: (Something physical) Do you know how many of us are out there? If you really want her, she needs to know you are talking to her!

M: Trying again with more details. We talked about electronic cigarettes and dildos in the store. I'd love to talk to you more about it (winks and smiles). (Waits, gets frustrated, looks at phone. Walks to bus stop, and stands, notices girl standing there). We were at the wrong bus stop. You had brown hair and a red jacket with the hood on. When I first walked by you smiled and said hi. I was kind of shy, but we kept smiling at each other. You gave me butterflies and it felt good. You have stunning eyes, so much so it made me nervous when you spoke to me. I haven't felt like that in a long time.

PBNJ: Half a peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwich for sale: it’s half a peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwich that I could not finish eating...also includes some chips and a pickle spear! Asking Price is $1.50, but other offers will be considered. If interested send e-mail.

M: Unless all of the following points are true. Use your 'back' button to exit this part of craigslist. I am at least 18 years old!

F: Once, a few years ago when I was still angry at life and you had just moved here, we hung out a few times. I see you over the counter about once a week, and your smile sticks with me for days. I'm not angry at life anymore, and I'd like to see you again, but I don't want to put you on the spot and I have no idea if you're even single. Perhaps we could watch football together? Not really, just a familiar reference.

GAY: Nervous morning swimmer - Not sure if you'll see this, but thought I'd try. You're at the gym a few mornings a week. You're average height/dark hair and eyes/lean/hairy/uncut. You and I swim around the same time most mornings and catch each other's eye. I've gotten hard and jerked for you in the showers and sometimes you start to join me but then stop because you’re nervous. You're always hard or semi-hard when we're in there, though. I see your wedding ring and I know why you're nervous, but I just wanted to reach out and tell you that you don't have to be. I really want to help you explore further but will respect any limits you have. If you're interested in taking things somewhere more private, email me and let's talk about it. I really hope you see this because seeing you in the mornings and not being able to do more with you or at least talk about it is making me crazy. I'm not a stalker...I'm just an admirer and I see from your hard on that you at least feel the same way a little. If you see this and email me, tell me what kind of speedo we wear...we both wear the same kind.

CLOSET: I hate the very thought of you! So keep crying asshole. You are so fucking stupid. You make me sick. How can I make you understand me? What the fuck do I have to do to get it through your thick ugly fucking head? If you ever come near me I'll spit on you.

ST NICK: I was your secret Santa, but the thing I really wanted to give you isn't something you can wrap in a bow. Well, you can, but it gets in the way. You're taken, I'm taken, but man am I taken with you. If you ever want to get your jingle bell rung by an elf who can keep secrets, come on down to my north pole and let's get sledding

F:Casey Webb About 5 foot 6. Where is he? I need to find him.

NEW: Happy New Year. (Pause) Day after new years I waited for you to cross the bridge first and wished you Happy New Year. (F echoes happy new year) Coffee?

RANTINA: I was outside, ranting to two of my friends -- one of them a boy, the other a girl, they're dating each other and unconnected to me -- I, myself, being connected to no one. I was probably smoking, though it's not really a habit of mine. We sustained eye contact and you smiled at me, I smiled and probably blushed, simply because you're adorable. Anyway, I'm writing this now because I still think you're beautiful and probably very interesting -- and let's face it, that eye contact packed a lot of punch. Say hi, or otherwise leave this nothing but a happy memory.

M:I traveled back in time today. An angel came to my life last year and planted her seed of love in my heart. And until now I wasn't brave enough to cherish and water that seed. I found the courage to overcome social mockery and travel back in time today and water the seed. I like to think it's not too late.

F: Any ways I was working at the time and my boss was with me getting things for the office but I saw you and you looked a little sad and out of it, I thought I could cheer you up I know I caught your eye cause I was winking at you and gave you a little wave and kiss when you grabbed your bags. I have not dated for awhile and love to know your name, when I asked the cashier if you were someone I might know she said you had a geico bussiness card?? you did not look like a insurance salesman but could have been your day off who knows ,, so if you see this please give me a reply? wont you?

M: Why didn’t I say something? We gazed at each other just as I was leaving, hopefully there wasn’t just cilantro in my teeth but nonetheless maybe you could have helped me get it out...with your tongue?

F: I helped you find your bus...you said--

M: Thanks for all the trouble.

F: Nice ass by the way. (Stands at stop and watches the bus pull away)

M: I should have jumped off that bus when we looked at each other and smiled as the bus took off. It was around 6 pm and we were both waiting in the rain at the same stop. You're gorgeous. I regret not getting off the bus and pursuing you. Hopefully you read these things. Most likely you don't though. I want to know you.

F: (from CLOSET) How can I make you--

M: Reply to this post?

DUMBASS: Someone gave my dumb ass a leash yesterday. I was super stoned yesterday walking my dog on a bungie cord like a damn fool and having a really hard time with it, and some guy who was totally not impressed gave me a dog leash he had in his pocket right across from Clippers cafe. I wanted to say thank you, and that I owe ya something, cause you saved my life. I’m not usually such an idiot, I just got too stoned to function like a proper human. haha! thanks dude.

DESPERATE MAN:Oh god you're beautiful!!!!! You were sitting across from me and a few seats over on bus 71 today heading into downtown. You were so beautiful that I actually almost handed you my card so you'd have my contact information. I don't know why I didn't. Your beauty literally almost killed me. Everything but your face vanished for me. There was no bus, no people, no noise. Just your absurdly gorgeous face. Please, by whatever powers there may be in this world, let me find you again. This time I won't pass it up.

SEE-YU: I see you at the coffee shop all the time! I have seen you at the local bar, which is amazing since neither of us go very often. We pass each other driving all the time but the most amazing thing was when I went to a memorial service yesterday and you were there too! wow! I sure wish you would ask me out!!!!

M: (F taps out syllables) beautiful day. The sun is bright. My friends are back

F: (simultaneously with M) I saw you at the store. I think you saw me! (winks) Hope you see this! Email with a description of me and what I had in my hand so I know it's you. Casey Webb; about 5 foot 6. Where is he? I need to find him. I thought we had a connection and i was sad you never asked for my number or my name. Well I'm letting you know I'm interested.

M: (simultaneously with F) I saw you smoking outside your car early this afternoon in the Outback Steakhouse and Burger King parking lot. To the guy working the Jack in the box drive thru just wanted to say thank you for being sweet and the free dessert. Yes I will buy the bucket, all four of them!

ASICS: Nice Asics. I’m not a stalker. I’m not desperate. I just like your face. No need to respond, if you read this just know I have more to talk about than shoes.

WRITER: You always asked me to write you a missed connection. Well here it is. Do you remember the first night we spent together? We willed ourselves to stay awake afterwards. I can sit here and reminiscence about all the moments we had together. But I think that night will always be my favorite.

F (simultaneous with M): Tell me my name. Tell me what I was driving. I think I heard your friends call you Matt or Mark. Your Scrubs had me hot and bothered. To Mr. Katie Perry. You: tall dark and handsome. I miss being young with you. Reply to this post?

M (simultaneous with F): Tell me what I was wearing. I was lingering a bit. You were driving a black Lexus. We made eye contact for a fleeting moment. You have stunning eyes. I miss our goodnight texts that were really more like huge paragraphs. Reply to this post?


F: I miss you everyday. I miss our goodnight texts that were more like huge paragraphs. I miss our dog that you kept.

WRITER: You always asked me to write you a missed connection. Well here it is.

F: I miss being young with you. They say in life you love one person the most. They have a part of your heart that no one else will ever get. I want you to know it was you I gave it to.

M: Please if you read this or anyone who knows who this beauty is, respond! I long to know even just your name...

M and F: What I would give...to hug you, see you smile, take in your scent...I do love you. I do...I just can't show you how much...And I want to...So bad. This is hard. Despite my outward happiness, I miss you so much...

M: Ok. Just had to get that off my chest.

F: Reply to this post?