Thursday, January 19, 2012

Fire and Ice

When it snows in a city that has no snow removal capability the enormous truck with giant tires and heavy duty 4x4 technology has the last laugh. And for two days every year he is king.

The rest of the time he’s a jerk and all of those guys in Smart cars can go, “ugh I bet that guy’s carbon footprint is way bigger than his tiny dick. Oh no, I spilled gluten-free locally made organic hummus on my Patagonia cashmere.”

My carbon footprint is teensy because I walk to work and no weather stops me because my two feet work better than chains or even giant treads. So I beat out everyone and they can all suck my very average sized genitals.

Sorry mom, I know you read this. That was uncouth. But dad, I hope you laughed at that, because you said I should do more comedy.

There is a big fire in Reno. Lots of people have been evacuated and they evacuated the base of operations because the fire got there. It was Galena High School. Reno has now experienced its second major fire in three months. The old joke is that it’s so close to hell you can see Sparks. I don’t think that is much of a joke anymore.

People have been sledding down Queen Anne Hill. It’s shut down and national news. The official forecast is ice and freezing rain and, “go home now!” No joke. The city has issued a release that says, “go home now. It’s not going to get better.” Maybe if they got a snow plow one inch of snow wouldn’t paralyze a metropolis of nearly 3 million people.

Anyways, people sledded down the hill even though parking enforcement tried to stop it by putting police tape across the street. I’d hate being parking enforcement. It’s a job where all you do is make people hate you. Nobody is ever happy to see parking enforcement. “Thank god, I ran out of money for my parking meter thirty seconds ago and really need to be fined 100 bucks for my discourteous infraction. Thank you so much for making me a better citizen.”

It’s cold and wet outside but Ciera made a lovely dinner and brownies. How wonderful it is.