Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Christmas Reflection '11

Christmas is always something. This year was no different. Ciera and I hopped on the road on Christmas Eve day and arrived in Portland at around 3:30. My grandma's house was busy as always and I immediately melded into the family.

Every memory I have is bathed in warm orange-yellow light. The house smelled of dark meat and heavy spice. Ciera experienced her first Chrismas with my family and she survived. It is no small task. As with many families we are loud and loving. I woke up the next morning with a hoarse throat.

It was emotional. I laughed a little louder and hugged everyone a little tighter. My parents and sisters arrived separately. My mother saw me and burst into tears when I hugged her.

The toast this year was more somber than most; a depressing reminder of the trials we had survived. But that's just it; the gauntlet is an unending challenge that we all pass through. No one fails, no one gets out unscathed, and no one survives.

Christmas day was tiring though. Mama's house is no longer hers; it is just a house now. And we had our Christmas day. It was a gray day with intermittent showers; some patches of sun. the weather reflected our moods. Peaks and troughs, emotional outbursts, even moments, and genuine mirth at times. The family is struggling; trying to make it work.

I learned a game named FaceEater; it is fun.

The place is in a state of slow motion shell shock. Things move slowly; stay permanent in my mind; familiar but full of loss somehow. And everything is on the surface with nothing but subtext.

There are lots of baked goods. We have so many cookies and varieties of backed things. I found myself baking a few days ago without even meaning to. It must be a Davis thing; the entire house is full of things we can't eat because we are too sad to.

We drink a lot of coffee. We feed and pet the cat. We play games. We sit and talk. Olivia is rummaging through the old pictures. There is so much uncertainty. We watch a little tv. We read a bit. None of it registers.