Monday, June 20, 2011

Live: EM:Weightloss

I am live-blogging Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition. The guy weighed at one point 720 lbs. And he broke the tile on the floor he is so heavy.

Some jacked motivational personal trainer just surprised the big guy (BFG). BFG is crying now. They start out at a “boot camp” which is actually a five-star hotel. People over 400lbs can't be weighed on a regular scale; they have to be weighed on a freight scale. He starts at 651 lbs. That's a lot. This is kind of sexual.

Ciera is liking it, she was so skeptical at first. But let's be honest here, she is an avid watcher of the Bachelorette. And that one is definitely skeezy on the highest level.

ABC's programming is mostly crap, their summer game show line-up and reality shows look awesome though. But when I say awesome I really mean that it is the train crash factor. We are all rubber-neckers sticking our faces out the window to watch the train crash before our eyes.

The new verizon droid commercials are really annoying. Buy stuff because you can't figure out life without being constantly wired.

Combat hospital is an example of bad ABC programming. Sex, war, surgery, and heroes. Real actors portraying sexy young hero-troops.

“Especially with the Super-Obese...The larger they are the faster they can lose.” That's why I only race people that are over 380 lbs.

This guy is 26 years old. I am a mere 4 years younger. That is a world I can't imagine. The trainer lives with him for three months. Think of that. The guy that yells at you at the gym and is all happy go lucky about your weight is living with you 24/7. I would never want that. Shoot me before that happens.

I know I've said this about Harry Potter trailers but it is so true. Every HP trailer goes like this:
Voldemort (whispers): Harry Potter
Some mentor: Harry Potter?
Voldemort: Yeargh!
Harry Potter: Yeaaargh!
Voldemort: eeaaaarrrg!
Harry Potter: greaaaaarggggh!
(Explosions!)
Harry Potter theme.

This guy is really cool. He has tats, I wonder how they stretch and compress as you gain and lose weight. This trainer is kind of a bro with a nasally voice. His shirt is like a bed sheet. I could swaddle my grandmother in that and she would get lost in its sweaty folds.

Samsung tablet add just had a guy in the middle of a beautiful setting looking at his goddamn tech. What are we?

The girl on the local news, the one being interviewed, has a huge Snooki bump. Like ridiculous.

Whenever I brush my teeth I immediately realize I have to pee. Does anyone else get that?

I know why I have never live blogged before, I become way too cynical about everything.

“Dude this is actually really cool to see” said Ciera. We have ourselves a convert. Elissa Nadworny told me about her love of weight-loss shows. I actually got addicted. America has a thing for transformations. We love to see a completely new home in the place of the shack that was there. We love to see a skinny bitch where there was a fat kid. We love to see a clean home where there was a cluttered home filled with cats. America is about the life-changing transformation. Think about it.

Day 270. The guy is still obese but he has already gained a huge amount of energy. 257 lbs in 9 months. It's time for the final reveal, “move that bus!” Maybe that isn't appropriate for this show...

Looking at the before picture, he honestly looks like just a round blobby thing. Now he is cut and good looking. Somebody with energy and confidence. It is not that I think people should be skinny or whatever, it is that people deserve a quality of life that allows them to be who they want to be. When someone is severely obese that quality of life is severely diminished. Final weigh-in 313 lbs.

“One day you run out of excuses...oh, Jersey Shore is on tonight I gotta go fist bump,” BFG now known as James because I finally heard his name after an hour of watching.