Friday, May 20, 2011

Gradation

I am less than 24 hours from graduating. What am I supposed to feel? I don't really know.

I am numb. The best description I have of my emotions is a tingling in my gut. A stirring that is driving me to action. I feel ready to do something. I feel trapped in my space. I feel weak. I feel strong. I feel disembodied.

I am at the cusp of something. I am teetering on the verge of...the verge.

I suppose that there is something important about to happen. But exiting the bubble isn't about popping it. It isn't about really exiting it. The bubble is a shitty metaphor. Leaving college—the liberal arts white ivory tower lifestyle—is both abrupt and gradual. It is like a rainbow, each color is distinct but the transition between them is so subtle it is nearly impossible to tell how each color is really divided—red is orange, indigo is violet.

Graduation tomorrow seems too artificial. What does it really signify? Nothing. Just a point in time. I know I keep coming back to this point, but it all seems awkward. How could I possibly call the ceremonies tomorrow graduation?

I am tired. I feel exhausted and unprepared. I feel helpless and inadequate. I don't know anything. What I know is not useful to anyone—at least obviously so. Least of all to me. I feel so weak and enervated. My body hurts. It is sore, I am holding my stress in my back. I am holding it in my jaw. But I am not holding it where it is useful. I have not thought about it. I have not felt it. So my body carries it, and I will feel it, think it later, but that seems to be unhealthy to me. I cannot think of a worse way to graduate. Tense, unable to feel, unable to think. Just a stiff robot going through the motions.

I know who I am, but no one knows who I am. If I need to be a confident leader, a graduate, a person who can make a difference in the world, why do I feel like a sardine in a sea of black, processing in a monotonous line across a stage for a brief moment? Unimportant. Just another blip. A unit of capitalist production.

I need recognition. Not graduation.