Saturday, October 24, 2009

(Not Spain) <3 Mom

Two years ago my mother had a severe headache on vacation and the family found out that she had a growth in her brain. A “time-bomb” that could go off anytime. She had a surgery to remove it, and I was recently looking over some of my old posts when I came across these two bits:

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Apple Lossless Audio Codec
Current mood:EMO. sorry.
three days ago. i was checking my voice mail. and i had just finished talking to my mom at the hospital. and she sounded like a robot. it was hard to be attached to a partially paralyzed robotic mass in a bed.

anyway. i hadn't deleted an old message. and it was my mom. calling in to check on me and see if i was ok. because i was out late that night. and her voice hit me. and her general caring for me. and my general attitude of blowing her off usually. it's not that i don't love her. or that i really want to blow her off. it's more that i never feel like i have time for her. don't take your shit for granted to quote jack from douglas. but at some point you have to make time to be with those you love.

everyone has been so nice and helpful. everyone has been so sympathetic and great. thank you everyone. thank you.

these are darker musings. necessary but dark. what is the upside? there is always an upside. except this one is in the future. waiting for the winds to change is always tough.

exhale.

inhale.

exhale.


And this posted 5 days earlier:

ok. now to be honest. well as much as i want to be. i didn't tell anyone because i didn't think it pertinent. i thought that if i denied it, nothing bad could come of it. i was wrong. and probably a little scared. i haven't reconciled with myself fully yet so bear with me. my mother was diagnosed in mid-summer with a congenital growth in her brain. it was 3 cm. that's supposed to be small. it's still fucking big if you ask me. whatever. she went in for surgery last weekend which is why my grandmother is in town. she was taking care of us while my parents went to stanford. the operation went well. but now she's in rehab. that's fucking scary. she is doing way better than when any of the other family saw her but damn that is some scary shit. your own mother. caretaker, matriarch. sick. helpless. it's shattering.

i feel like shit too. i haven't gone in to see her (she's at renown rehab center right now) until today. i've been too busy. but i shouldn't be. i should be taking family time not fucking around with my life...

shit.

i've got other shit that i'll talk about later. this is the main one.

lesson: prioritize.


The good news is that my mom has a sense of humor about it all. This is what she sent me two days ago regarding her 2 year check-up.

Nick,
I had my two year follow-up with my neurosurgeon and there is nothing in my head. Of course, you already knew that. Love you,
Mom

Just a shout out to my mom, I love you, and I'm glad you are alive and well.