Sunday, October 11, 2009

Gray Matter

I remember when I was in kindergarten thinking of the limits to language. I remember thinking that the time between a thought and the words to describe it seemed like an eternity. I felt that language was an inhibition to conveying perfect thought. As I grew older the frustration faded as my fluency and comfort with the English language grew. The gray and nebulous thought burst forth in my mind as fully formed words, English became my thoughts; my thoughts tripped off my tongue, exceeding my ability to double-check them. English became my sword that I could swing blindly. While often this mastery of the weapon was not tempered by control of its direction or accuracy, it nonetheless could free my personality and opinions from my mind.

In Spain, the second I arrived I was thrown back to kindergarten. I was unable to convey perfectly the concepts in my head. I still have a huge amount of trouble with my fluency. I look at people and think English, speak Spanish. More recently though, the thoughts have not been in English, merely gray, and they must be translated and spoken. I hope that's a good sign, that I am making the transition to fluency.