Monday, December 17, 2007

Blind Date

Sometimes things just "aren't working out." Sometimes this is a matter of a very long relationship others, it is obvious right at the start and bailing quickly becomes a necessity. Most of the credit goes to Ciera for this one.

Setting, two college kids meet for a blind date outside the girl's dorm room.
Girl: Hey.
Guy: Hi, nice to meet you, I'm (insert name here)
Girl: And I'm (insert girl name here)
Guy: Cool, listen, I don't want to be too forward or anything but I think you have gorgeous eyes.
Girl: Oh not at all. (so far so good), so where do you want to go?
Guy: Well, I was thinking we could go eat some nice German/French fusion food I know of and then we could take a walk through this nice little park I know of then get some hot chocolate and coffee.
Narrator: ok, this is not good. there is no such thing as german/french fusion food, that is more commonly known as a burger and fries: McDonald's. nice little park is code for a parking lot and hot chocolate and coffee is code for inside the mall after we walk through said parking lot.
Girl: Sounds great.
they end up at Mickey D's eating their food.
Guy: ...And that's why i'm not allowed within five hundred feet of my last girlfriend.
Girl: Interesting...(Oh Crap! Scramble time). Wait. what time is it?
Guy: I have a quarter after eight.
Girl: Oh no! i have to go. i totally forgot, i am so sorry. i left my cat in the dryer.
Girl: yeah, i totally left her on the spin cycle.
Guy: why did you put your cat in the dryer?!
Girl: i'm not allowed to have her in the dorm room. duh.
Guy: well yeah, but why did you put her in the dryer?
Girl: she has to dry off after you wash her. *giggle* *snort*
Guy: are you out of your mind lady?! you had her in the wash too?
Girl: Well yeah.
Guy: it's people like you who shouldn't own cats. don't you ever read the label? cats are dry-clean only!
Girl: (this guy is crazier than i thought). i've...erm...i've washed her before and nothing has gone wrong...
Guy: yeah, but how many times can that happen before your cat becomes one of those bald hairless ones? huh?
Girl: i...never...thought of that...
Guy: think about it ok? that is serious shiz. (long silence, very awkward). hey, i don't mean to be so harsh, i just love cats...i didn't mean to upset you, it's just that i really like you
Girl: i'm sorry, you're right, i just--it's just that--well--see i found out recently--how do i say this? I need to get tested at the clinic.
Guy: like an IQ test?
Girl: no, more like a test for um...transmittable diseases.
Guy: oh...
Girl: and i am really scared and i'm sure that everything would be better if i had some company or something and i think that you are really nice and so i was wondering, will you go to the clinic with me?
Guy: i'd love to, i'm sure i could help you out and provide whatever security you needed. even if that security meant hiding in your bushes making sure no other men come to your house, i did that for my last girlfriend but she didn't seem to appreciate the love.
Girl: (Agh! shiz shiz shiz shiz shiz) um...yeah, well thanks (brilliant, this is the world's deepest grave right about now)
Guy: you know, this place is crowded, let's go to that dark empty park i mentioned earlier.
Girl: (time to come clean) um...i don't actually need to get tested, i don't have a cat and i think you are psychotic, in fact i'm just glad i lied about my name to you, i really want to go home and forget this night.
Guy: sigh, me too, i tried so hard to make you think i was insane, but you just hung in there and i was freakin' out.
Girl: so i'll just call myself a cab and--wait what? you bastard! you think i'm not attractive or something? huh, my personality not enough? you like that slut of a waitress that super-sized your combo? huh? is that it, am i not high class enough for you? what?! huh?
Guy: no i--i just was--erm--uh, i--sigh
Girl: this date is over! agh! (storms out, and pushes someone entering)
Guy: i totally called it, that was a bullet dodged. *beep* *beep* (looks at watch) oh crap! i gotta pull sniffles out and put in the darks.

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