Monday, December 17, 2007

Blind Date

Sometimes things just "aren't working out." Sometimes this is a matter of a very long relationship others, it is obvious right at the start and bailing quickly becomes a necessity. Most of the credit goes to Ciera for this one.

Setting, two college kids meet for a blind date outside the girl's dorm room.
Girl: Hey.
Guy: Hi, nice to meet you, I'm (insert name here)
Girl: And I'm (insert girl name here)
Guy: Cool, listen, I don't want to be too forward or anything but I think you have gorgeous eyes.
Girl: Oh not at all. (so far so good), so where do you want to go?
Guy: Well, I was thinking we could go eat some nice German/French fusion food I know of and then we could take a walk through this nice little park I know of then get some hot chocolate and coffee.
Narrator: ok, this is not good. there is no such thing as german/french fusion food, that is more commonly known as a burger and fries: McDonald's. nice little park is code for a parking lot and hot chocolate and coffee is code for inside the mall after we walk through said parking lot.
Girl: Sounds great.
they end up at Mickey D's eating their food.
Guy: ...And that's why i'm not allowed within five hundred feet of my last girlfriend.
Girl: Interesting...(Oh Crap! Scramble time). Wait. what time is it?
Guy: I have a quarter after eight.
Girl: Oh no! i have to go. i totally forgot, i am so sorry. i left my cat in the dryer.
Guy:what?!
Girl: yeah, i totally left her on the spin cycle.
Guy: why did you put your cat in the dryer?!
Girl: i'm not allowed to have her in the dorm room. duh.
Guy: well yeah, but why did you put her in the dryer?
Girl: she has to dry off after you wash her. *giggle* *snort*
Guy: are you out of your mind lady?! you had her in the wash too?
Girl: Well yeah.
Guy: it's people like you who shouldn't own cats. don't you ever read the label? cats are dry-clean only!
Girl: (this guy is crazier than i thought). i've...erm...i've washed her before and nothing has gone wrong...
Guy: yeah, but how many times can that happen before your cat becomes one of those bald hairless ones? huh?
Girl: i...never...thought of that...
Guy: think about it ok? that is serious shiz. (long silence, very awkward). hey, i don't mean to be so harsh, i just love cats...i didn't mean to upset you, it's just that i really like you
Girl: i'm sorry, you're right, i just--it's just that--well--see i found out recently--how do i say this? I need to get tested at the clinic.
Guy: like an IQ test?
Girl: no, more like a test for um...transmittable diseases.
Guy: oh...
Girl: and i am really scared and i'm sure that everything would be better if i had some company or something and i think that you are really nice and so i was wondering, will you go to the clinic with me?
Guy: i'd love to, i'm sure i could help you out and provide whatever security you needed. even if that security meant hiding in your bushes making sure no other men come to your house, i did that for my last girlfriend but she didn't seem to appreciate the love.
Girl: (Agh! shiz shiz shiz shiz shiz) um...yeah, well thanks (brilliant, this is the world's deepest grave right about now)
Guy: you know, this place is crowded, let's go to that dark empty park i mentioned earlier.
Girl: (time to come clean) um...i don't actually need to get tested, i don't have a cat and i think you are psychotic, in fact i'm just glad i lied about my name to you, i really want to go home and forget this night.
Guy: sigh, me too, i tried so hard to make you think i was insane, but you just hung in there and i was freakin' out.
Girl: so i'll just call myself a cab and--wait what? you bastard! you think i'm not attractive or something? huh, my personality not enough? you like that slut of a waitress that super-sized your combo? huh? is that it, am i not high class enough for you? what?! huh?
Guy: no i--i just was--erm--uh, i--sigh
Girl: this date is over! agh! (storms out, and pushes someone entering)
Guy: i totally called it, that was a bullet dodged. *beep* *beep* (looks at watch) oh crap! i gotta pull sniffles out and put in the darks.

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Thursday, December 13, 2007

Briefly

The First Amendment exists to protect the other amendments, it is useless if it does not protect the others or the others remain unprotected. We can have free speech all we want, but if we aren't given the right to a fair trial it means nothing.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Defend the first to defend the rest.

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