Monday, October 29, 2007

Proud of Reno.

Not mine, but i really think everyone from Reno, at least, has to hear this. i absolutely love it. Thomas Lennon, of Reno911! fame sings this song as Lt. Jim Dangle.

Oh! Biggest little city in the World.
300,000 strong.
Kick it!

People knock Reno 'cuz it ain't Las Vegas
Disrespect the town that i know is the greatest
And when these naysayers try to knock the place
I say, "get up out my face I'm from America's adventure place"

bom bom bom bom bom
Get up get down you know I'm proud of Reno
What what what we say
We're keeping it alive in the 775

They've got a fake Eiffel Tower
We got world class winter sports
You can keep Fremont Street
I'll take Virginia and Fourth
And let me clear this up 'cuz some people don't know
yes we do have an airport, it's called Reno slash Tahoe
Some people take trips or family vacations
to Phoenix or Branson, other hot spots in the nation.
But if you're on a budget forget Aspen Colorado
Because the kid's buffet is free at the Reno El Dorado

bom bom bom bom bom
Get up get down you know I'm proud of Reno
What what what we say
Am I in heaven?
No sir, you're in the 89507

We go Reno, Sun-Valley, Truckee and Sparks
Got the bowling hall of fame
Senior(?) programs in the park
So bring your family and your doggies that bark
'cuz 2/3 of Washoe County's pretty safe now after dark
For table gaming and conventions Reno is the bomb
And (hold 'em games are as rapid as ?) Reno(van?).com
And I won't even start with our world famous golf courses
'cuz my voice is getting hoarse and i think we're at the chorus

bom bom bom bom bom
Get up get down you know I'm proud of Reno
What what what we say
We're keeping it alive in the 775

Yo, big up Arlington Avenue
big ups Manner drive

sorry, i wrote those lyrics myself, this is nowhere on the internet.

My Top 10...Sci-Fi Worlds

Okay. These aren't ranked mostly because i don't want to be burned at the stake by Trekkies/Trekkers, Star Wars Freaks, or people with a general malice of forethought regarding this list. I really want to add other ones but for now, i won't bore you to death.

Thursday Next: this series is awesome because...wait? is this a sci-fi? umm...ok. i think it is. but anyway, it is set in an alternate universe in the 80's where the Crimean war is still raging, Dodo birds aren't extinct and the government is a fantastically sick mixture of bureaucracy and corporate ownership...wait. whatever. i absolutely love this series because it completely ignores all the paradoxical issues that plague time-travel and just goes with it. events happen at the speed of plot and it openly acknowledges it. it is the mad magazine for literary snobs as well as a parody of the genre it takes advantage of. its irreverence to accuracy beyond the story makes this extremely endearing. who doesn't want to imagine mammoths migrating through suburban Britain? really?

1984 the real dystopia. and the true measurement of how poorly our government is working for us, if you can draw three or more parallels then fear for your life and get active. George Orwell isn't screwing around, he wasn't writing a history, or at least he hoped he wasn't. this book makes you hyper aware of the world and how easy power is to maintain once it has been sacrificed. plus this one doesn't have talking pigs.

Star Wars
ok. it doesn't even make that much sense as a series. george lucas really messed up bad. he couldn't keep the series together and his story was really bad overall, but the original trilogy still makes me get all misty-eyed and i absolutely love the visceral fights using models. he really went wrong with the giant cg jar-jar but overall the creation of a universe that spirits you away to a galaxy fighting a balance of for its very soul while everyone still wears capes is pretty damn awesome. oh, and c'mon, the games are freakin' fun to play.

Star Trek warp 9 is the speed of plot. but don't tell any trekkies that. they'll pull out a phaser and adjust it to kill. you. but otherwise this is an excellent universe because it has a mission of peace, tolerance, and tight one-pieces. but that doesn't happen usually, they kill maim and red-shirts disappear faster than kirk's hairline. personally, i am a picard fan because he is immune to the antics that kirk fell prey to often, he is a ladies-man but chooses not to be. so the prime directive be damned. i hope they keep exploring new worlds.

a crazy cool mixture of western cowboy flicks, pop-culture, and eastern traditions flavored with real physics and lovable characters makes this series AWESOME. with a t. i don't know what that means. but really, no sound in space plus no faster than light travel equals geek awesomeness. joss whedon did good with buffy, but i am a sci-fi fanatic. want proof of firefly's awesomeness? my girlfriend says she likes it. there, pick-up chicks with that shiz. "hey baby, i like firefly, you want to go back to my shuttle pod and explore my serenity?" maybe not.

Firefly opening theme

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Cowboy Bebop
kung-fu characters meshed with stylistic japanese anime means this is always fun. more extremely lovable characters and bungling bounty hunters are hysterical when they could do whatever they wanted if they put their mind to it but are usually too lazy to get anything done right. the moon being exploded is pretty awesome too. i mean, who wouldn't want to explore the solar system hunting the heads of wanted fugitives whilst scraping together enough cash to feed yourself.

Futurama fry is frozen in 1999 on the eve of the new year and wakes up in the year 3000. coolness, every geek's secret dream. sci-fi in the future is a boring documentary and they raised the speed of light so that people could travel across the universe faster. and c'mon, i know i always wanted a hedonistic robot for a best friend and to have a mad crush on a cyclops mutant from the sewers. i think.

Futurama Nibbler - More amazing video clips are a click away

I, Robot not the i, robot that will smith pissed on and called a film, but the original isaac asimov stories. through the history and development of robots, asimov also chronicles the development of its core characters as well as the development of robots from clunky servants to intelligent and sentient beings. he writes a definitive treatise on robot ethics, and in society we have already broken them. but like any treatise of idealism it will remain so until someone says that this is messed up shiz. asimov defined quite clearly the pulp version of sci-fi and most sci-fi's derive from him. ESSENTIAL


Not This!

I,robot - Funny video clips are a click away

Ghost in the Shell as the world becomes more connected, as people become more connected, what defines the soul of the man? are the drones at their cubicles souls still? as programs become increasingly more sophisticated is it possible that a soul may just develop from it? GitS asked these questions as the fairly young internet was being released to the world. in this noirish film everything, even reality is up for grabs. awesome as both a mind-trip and an exercise in web-ethics.

Akira let's drive around awesome motorcycles and be violent teenagers in a disgruntled political atmosphere. let's be products of a hateful, dying society and explore notions of unfettered power in the process. it's so cool i just had a nerdgasm. really. this is what brought anime to the states, in its uber-violent cinema, it is another film that asks how a post-apocalyptic world will look and if it is possible to rise from the ashes. really, watch it carefully, there is so much symbolism that as i write this more things are occurring to me. it could be a drinking game, a deadly one.

i know this isn't very complete, but i mean, if you have a better suggestion, leave a comment.

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Sunday, October 14, 2007

if life were like a porno...

i'd order pizza every night.

Plumbers would check your pipes, then check your pipes.

Everyone would be beautiful.

Shiny Leather would be the new black.

Whips would go with everything.

All girls would be bi-sexual nymphomaniacs, or lesbians.

Investing in silicone would be prudent, as implants would be mandatory.

"Getting Coffee" would no longer be something you do in public.

All conversations would have poorly acted sexual tension.

Any instrument besides drums and the saxophone would be outlawed.

Say goodbye to Larry Greenberg and say hello to Max Passion.

you know what? Scratch the first one, I would deliver pizzas.

Girls would all have one name like Sassy, or Foxy, or Roxy, or Epilepsy.

Nuns would all be strippers.

Historical artifacts would be made out of plastic.

Hollywood would be the same.

No one would want to play the trombone.

Politicians would never have affairs. Who would want to when your wife is hotter than Pamela Anderson?

Secretaries would all be females in short skirts.

People still wouldn't want to go to Cleveland.

I'd visit the library more often.

Formal dress would mean wearing a bra.

And finally, no one's cell phone would ever go off in the middle of a show because they would all be set to vibrate.

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Working at the Deli

Me: Hi, what can i get you
Her: I know there is no one else in line and that i have had the opportunity to look at what i want for the last five or so minutes while you prepared other meals, but i got lost in my beautiful boyfriend's eyes.
Me: that's fine, i'm just going to judge you quietly
Her:hmm...i can't figure it out still, i guess it would be easier to put a bullet through my brain.
Me: indeed.
Her: how about you help me studly muffinkins, you gorgeous snookum bear.
Boyfriend: are so cute kitty nipples, here, let me be a big manly man sweetums mccutiepie.
me: *hurl*
Boyfriend: holy shit! there are a lot of choices.
her: i think i want turkey
me: on what type of bread
Her: cuddly-bear? what type of bread?
boyfriend: *lost in his reflection* huh?
her: you're right, wheat.
me: ok, anything else?
her: *long deep sigh* i'm puzzled by these symbols on this sign
me: you mean words? english?
her: yeah, i just want tomato, and can you grill it?
me: yeah, pickle?
her: *giggle*
me: *bitch-slaps them both as hard as possible*

that is real customer service

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