Sunday, September 23, 2007

An Open Letter from God

Hi. It's me. God. Y'know that guy from the Bible.

whatever.

I have a few things to say to you...and anyone else listening out there. That's right, I am asking if you are listening this time. In fact, that's my first problem, always looking up to the sky and yelling, "are you out there? are you listening?" Yes and Yes. but i don't give a shit about you breaking up with your girlfriend, you getting fired from stupid-ass burger flipping job or whatever you really think is a problem. i am listening, and you don't need to yell, you don't need to look at the sky like some sort of hunk in a chick flick movie in the rain. I'm omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. i know, i hear, i just don't give a shit.

let's break-down my existence a little more thoroughly so that you understand. i can control anything at all times but i gave humans free choice. okay? so when you ask for divine intervention i ain't going to do shit. k? cuz you already screwed up, i don't have to dictate life or the world, cuz that is your job. free choice right? see. Damn you humans are dense, worse than any of the other animals. i mean, the zebras don't complain when they get eaten and you complain when you are still living in your mother's basement cuz your band just won't "take-off". i got a hint for you, stop smoking so much pot! i mean, let's be honest, when the zebra is getting tackled by the lion its only thought is, "bad day". Fuck! It's not even fucking complaining or begging for the Chicago fucking Cubs to win a game, it's just bad day. y'know you humans have to figure another thing out too.

the universe isn't just me. it's a whole freakin' network of hard-working bureaucrats that make the universe possible. i mean, yeah, i do a lot of work, and earth is in my jurisdiction but Jesus and I are part of the universe Team! you need to give props occasionally to my supervisor or maybe like send him just a thank you card. he works hard and at the end of the day he has to go back home without any thanks. which might be just as well because you guys are chronic complainers. for every 1 thank you i get about 326,745 requests for something you don't need.

that's just bullshit. and i know when you are lying. what the fuck do you think saying that you want world peace when all you really want is to boink the secretary. forget it. say it only if you mean it. jeez, i can tell when you are lying, I'M GOD for Godsakes! oh, and that's another thing, not that i really care anyway because you'll do it anyhow, but stop doing things in my name. you never do them right, and when you do you do them in the way that gets everyone mad at me. Like kill six million jews. Not cool dude.

really, not cool.

oh and i'm tired of this bullshit about the bible. i was drunk one night alright! i peed on a bush and thought it would be funny to tell moses all that shit. oh, did i mention that. my piss is extremely flammable. that pretty much explains all of the fire in the bible, okay? i have to pee. it just usually happened at crucial moments. and moses and all of that bible bullshit is pretty crazy too because they just made up the rest of all that shit. i mean, i guess i did have kidney stones, so those were the falling rocks of fire but other than that moses just made shit up because he knew how to read a fucking almanac. same for noah. oh, and i didn't kick adam and eve out of paradise, i just asked them if they'd like to stop climbing around in trees and flinging shit at each other. really, i only meant it as a joke, i didn't think anything would ever want to stop eating bananas, fucking in trees, and sleeping all-day. go figure, they did.

that brings me to evolution. what the fuck! seriously, all the evidence is fucking there, and because of my piss drunk escapades you think you have irrefutable proof that it doesn't exist. let me clue you in to something, it's true. evolution is how we do it. what do you think? that i really say, "let there be light?" no i have to rigorously test and design a functional universe set. but because it was on the old universe beta .94 model, you have to start it with a "big bang" and then you have to let the delicate particles form themselves. the idea is that life can create itself given the near infinite size presented by the universe. duh. so i really don't have much say in what goes on except with some of the upgrades that allow me to control weather every now and then.

you know all those hurricanes? they are a hint that you should stop suffocating yourselves and everything else that jesus and I have worked on. i mean, let's be honest here. you were a mistake. like the bastard child that forces a sane hollywood actress to marry a compulsively psychotic "scientologist" actor. i mean, i really was working on getting the octopus to take off. they are so cool. they can squeeze through tubes and shit. i mean, you can't do that. whatever. i blame it on jesus, because right when you came around jesus joined the team and now we have this fiasco for dying for your sins and creating sects of religions and basically fucking up any non-"christian" nation out there. he was new okay? he makes mistakes and it became clear when he went to earth that controlling your population growth was going to be harder than expected. that's right i said it. you are a weed. i mean, you are even more of a weed than that natural little green thing that is popping up through your hideously unnatural parking lot. in fact, we are using them as a preliminary first step toward eradicating your disgusting installations upon my nice little patch of life.

you know what? i don't care. you obviously aren't listening, and so i am not either. see? huh? FUCK YOU. okay. just fuck it.

God.


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