Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Bathroom rules

Guys have a couple of unsaid rules about the bathroom. it is best that these are upheld and that society remains safe. so for everyone's knowledge, the rules of the bathroom.

first, everything goes wrong.

*Fred walks up to the urinal and starts to do his business, Larry enters and starts to do his business in the urinal next to him*
Larry: how's it going? what's up?
*Fred looks up awkwardly and locks eyes with Larry*
Fred: um...good? i guess. how about you?
Larry: just great. Oh. i'm done. say? you need help?
Fred: what? *realizing that Larry has distracted him and that Fred is now missing the mark* Oh shit! um...uh...no i'm fine.
Larry: you sure, it looks like you are having a little trouble there. let me give you a massage. *starts rubbing his shoulders*
Fred: really it's fine could you please--
Larry: nonsense, it's no problem. *starts singing* Sooommeeewhereeee oveeeer the raaaaaaainbow!
Fred: ok, i'm done with this!
Larry: *looks over fred's shoulder* lookin' good. well it was nice meeting you.

ok, you see that, that was wrong. very very wrong.

Rule 1: Always leave a stall between you and the other person. This always applies. Guess what? It works. You Never see mile long lines outside the male lines to the restrooms. It's like quantum physics or something. And even when it is crowded and you can't get a urinal without breaking this rule, you wait. if you have to piss yourself and leave. but wash your hands. Do NOT break the every other stall rule.

Rule 2: Do not make eye contact. Keep your eyes on the prize otherwise bad shit goes down.

Rule 3: No talking. Talking is distracting and awkward.

Bonus rules (when shit gets real bad):

Rule 4: No physical contact. Larry Craig got caught whoring out his body, you just might get your ass kicked by a paranoid Idahoan going through withdrawal at his loss of confidence in the political system...that was a little tangential. suffice it to say that touching is a no no.

Rule 5: No singing. C'mon, really. I never piss myself listening to music and i don't intend to anytime soon.

Rule 6: Don't provide commentary on someone else's package. Why am i explaining this part at all? You don't grope strangers in the street, you don't point out your penis envy in a public restroom.

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