Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Bathroom rules

Guys have a couple of unsaid rules about the bathroom. it is best that these are upheld and that society remains safe. so for everyone's knowledge, the rules of the bathroom.

first, everything goes wrong.

*Fred walks up to the urinal and starts to do his business, Larry enters and starts to do his business in the urinal next to him*
Larry: how's it going? what's up?
*Fred looks up awkwardly and locks eyes with Larry*
Fred: um...good? i guess. how about you?
Larry: just great. Oh. i'm done. say? you need help?
Fred: what? *realizing that Larry has distracted him and that Fred is now missing the mark* Oh shit! um...uh...no i'm fine.
Larry: you sure, it looks like you are having a little trouble there. let me give you a massage. *starts rubbing his shoulders*
Fred: really it's fine could you please--
Larry: nonsense, it's no problem. *starts singing* Sooommeeewhereeee oveeeer the raaaaaaainbow!
Fred: ok, i'm done with this!
Larry: *looks over fred's shoulder* lookin' good. well it was nice meeting you.

ok, you see that, that was wrong. very very wrong.

Rule 1: Always leave a stall between you and the other person. This always applies. Guess what? It works. You Never see mile long lines outside the male lines to the restrooms. It's like quantum physics or something. And even when it is crowded and you can't get a urinal without breaking this rule, you wait. if you have to piss yourself and leave. but wash your hands. Do NOT break the every other stall rule.

Rule 2: Do not make eye contact. Keep your eyes on the prize otherwise bad shit goes down.

Rule 3: No talking. Talking is distracting and awkward.

Bonus rules (when shit gets real bad):

Rule 4: No physical contact. Larry Craig got caught whoring out his body, you just might get your ass kicked by a paranoid Idahoan going through withdrawal at his loss of confidence in the political system...that was a little tangential. suffice it to say that touching is a no no.

Rule 5: No singing. C'mon, really. I never piss myself listening to music and i don't intend to anytime soon.

Rule 6: Don't provide commentary on someone else's package. Why am i explaining this part at all? You don't grope strangers in the street, you don't point out your penis envy in a public restroom.

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Sunday, September 23, 2007

Olivia's Passage

My sister wrote this passage, I love it, it's very nice...enjoy yourself

A pair of lonely brown shoes-with brass buckles delicately placed on
top-sit quietly on the floor. Like soulmates and best friends they stick
together, playfully following the other's step. A smudge of clumpy mud
sticks to the sides of the wearing leather. The insides have worn-in
prints, with a foot mold that you will find matches perfectly with the
foot that places itself in it everyday.
The shoes rest peacefully by one another secretly exchanging each
other's events.
"Did you see the red chair on my right?"
"No," replies the left, "you were on my right."
A new morning, brown leather stitched with morning dewed grass,
marches through the wandering halls of school. Little buckles, brass
eyes meet and greet their friendly leather, cloth, and plastic
friends.Watching, knowing, guiding through the halls, lonely browns
wanders from class to class, desk to desk, and colored tile to tile.
Lonely browns sleep by side on their soft carpet bed, resting for
another walk, another stroll through a meandering day. Another day,
another wearing spot, a mud smudge, and another rust scratch repeated
day after day; until one day lonely browns will rest peacefully forever
on their carpet bed.

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An Open Letter from God

Hi. It's me. God. Y'know that guy from the Bible.


I have a few things to say to you...and anyone else listening out there. That's right, I am asking if you are listening this time. In fact, that's my first problem, always looking up to the sky and yelling, "are you out there? are you listening?" Yes and Yes. but i don't give a shit about you breaking up with your girlfriend, you getting fired from stupid-ass burger flipping job or whatever you really think is a problem. i am listening, and you don't need to yell, you don't need to look at the sky like some sort of hunk in a chick flick movie in the rain. I'm omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. i know, i hear, i just don't give a shit.

let's break-down my existence a little more thoroughly so that you understand. i can control anything at all times but i gave humans free choice. okay? so when you ask for divine intervention i ain't going to do shit. k? cuz you already screwed up, i don't have to dictate life or the world, cuz that is your job. free choice right? see. Damn you humans are dense, worse than any of the other animals. i mean, the zebras don't complain when they get eaten and you complain when you are still living in your mother's basement cuz your band just won't "take-off". i got a hint for you, stop smoking so much pot! i mean, let's be honest, when the zebra is getting tackled by the lion its only thought is, "bad day". Fuck! It's not even fucking complaining or begging for the Chicago fucking Cubs to win a game, it's just bad day. y'know you humans have to figure another thing out too.

the universe isn't just me. it's a whole freakin' network of hard-working bureaucrats that make the universe possible. i mean, yeah, i do a lot of work, and earth is in my jurisdiction but Jesus and I are part of the universe Team! you need to give props occasionally to my supervisor or maybe like send him just a thank you card. he works hard and at the end of the day he has to go back home without any thanks. which might be just as well because you guys are chronic complainers. for every 1 thank you i get about 326,745 requests for something you don't need.

that's just bullshit. and i know when you are lying. what the fuck do you think saying that you want world peace when all you really want is to boink the secretary. forget it. say it only if you mean it. jeez, i can tell when you are lying, I'M GOD for Godsakes! oh, and that's another thing, not that i really care anyway because you'll do it anyhow, but stop doing things in my name. you never do them right, and when you do you do them in the way that gets everyone mad at me. Like kill six million jews. Not cool dude.

really, not cool.

oh and i'm tired of this bullshit about the bible. i was drunk one night alright! i peed on a bush and thought it would be funny to tell moses all that shit. oh, did i mention that. my piss is extremely flammable. that pretty much explains all of the fire in the bible, okay? i have to pee. it just usually happened at crucial moments. and moses and all of that bible bullshit is pretty crazy too because they just made up the rest of all that shit. i mean, i guess i did have kidney stones, so those were the falling rocks of fire but other than that moses just made shit up because he knew how to read a fucking almanac. same for noah. oh, and i didn't kick adam and eve out of paradise, i just asked them if they'd like to stop climbing around in trees and flinging shit at each other. really, i only meant it as a joke, i didn't think anything would ever want to stop eating bananas, fucking in trees, and sleeping all-day. go figure, they did.

that brings me to evolution. what the fuck! seriously, all the evidence is fucking there, and because of my piss drunk escapades you think you have irrefutable proof that it doesn't exist. let me clue you in to something, it's true. evolution is how we do it. what do you think? that i really say, "let there be light?" no i have to rigorously test and design a functional universe set. but because it was on the old universe beta .94 model, you have to start it with a "big bang" and then you have to let the delicate particles form themselves. the idea is that life can create itself given the near infinite size presented by the universe. duh. so i really don't have much say in what goes on except with some of the upgrades that allow me to control weather every now and then.

you know all those hurricanes? they are a hint that you should stop suffocating yourselves and everything else that jesus and I have worked on. i mean, let's be honest here. you were a mistake. like the bastard child that forces a sane hollywood actress to marry a compulsively psychotic "scientologist" actor. i mean, i really was working on getting the octopus to take off. they are so cool. they can squeeze through tubes and shit. i mean, you can't do that. whatever. i blame it on jesus, because right when you came around jesus joined the team and now we have this fiasco for dying for your sins and creating sects of religions and basically fucking up any non-"christian" nation out there. he was new okay? he makes mistakes and it became clear when he went to earth that controlling your population growth was going to be harder than expected. that's right i said it. you are a weed. i mean, you are even more of a weed than that natural little green thing that is popping up through your hideously unnatural parking lot. in fact, we are using them as a preliminary first step toward eradicating your disgusting installations upon my nice little patch of life.

you know what? i don't care. you obviously aren't listening, and so i am not either. see? huh? FUCK YOU. okay. just fuck it.


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Dispatch from the Dishes

ok. i am washing dishes and working in the cafeteria. it's not so bad.

but it could be better. and here's how.

1st, you could put your fucking silverware where it needs to go. there are two--TWO--fucking places that you walk by where you get the opportunity to put your silverware. you obviously can't figure out one so they put two for you just in case you are extra slow. what we get instead is a bunch of forks, knives, and spoons in the back room...now, i don't know about you but i think that forks, knives, and spoons are what we call SILVERWARE. they are silver...and ware. whatever the fuck that means. so get your act together and put the silverware in the little hole that says "silverware goes here"

2nd is the mugs put out of reach that are still full. i know you think it's cute to go with your little friends to get some coffee or tea. and it is. and i hope you really enjoy the time you spend chatting it up and forgetting that you have a mug full of hot liquid, because i never forget it and i always spill it on me because i try to work fast back there--y'know to be courteous to you so you don't have to put your dishes on the tray--and i tend to grab the opaque mugs assuming that you can finish your goddamn little drink full of scalding hot liquid. i have learned something...you can't. so if you don't want to get a drink but just hang with your friends then just say no to burning the busboy.

3rd, third-world countries full gdp has gone down the drain because you think you can eat more than you really can. it's bullshit. if you want more get seconds, if you can't eat that much get a little less. c'mon, i know you are a bunch of prep school retards that think the nanny is gonna deal with it, but i got news for you, she ain't, i am. and i get pissed when i realize that starving children all over the world would shit out their aorta just to smell that food. so please don't waste food it's just not cool.

more when i figure it out. but suffice it to say that you guys can't be retarded

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For Public Eyes Only

this is the statement.

the big constitution.

the crazy bylaws.

why this--this being the blog--is here.

this is for the stuff that people will care to read, i'm sure you will want to read/see anything else i post on my other stuff...not really, but i mean, this is where the cool stuff...if there really is cool stuff goes. i mean, i will try my best to put the cool stuff here.

cool, to be clear, has a very loose definition in this circumstance. cool means i don't gush about emotions and pms all over this. and trust me, you don't want to see a guy pms all over a blog. it's difficult...well actually the stuff after is difficult...whatever.

this is for everyone's enjoyment.