Monday, December 17, 2007

Blind Date

Sometimes things just "aren't working out." Sometimes this is a matter of a very long relationship others, it is obvious right at the start and bailing quickly becomes a necessity. Most of the credit goes to Ciera for this one.

Setting, two college kids meet for a blind date outside the girl's dorm room.
Girl: Hey.
Guy: Hi, nice to meet you, I'm (insert name here)
Girl: And I'm (insert girl name here)
Guy: Cool, listen, I don't want to be too forward or anything but I think you have gorgeous eyes.
Girl: Oh not at all. (so far so good), so where do you want to go?
Guy: Well, I was thinking we could go eat some nice German/French fusion food I know of and then we could take a walk through this nice little park I know of then get some hot chocolate and coffee.
Narrator: ok, this is not good. there is no such thing as german/french fusion food, that is more commonly known as a burger and fries: McDonald's. nice little park is code for a parking lot and hot chocolate and coffee is code for inside the mall after we walk through said parking lot.
Girl: Sounds great.
they end up at Mickey D's eating their food.
Guy: ...And that's why i'm not allowed within five hundred feet of my last girlfriend.
Girl: Interesting...(Oh Crap! Scramble time). Wait. what time is it?
Guy: I have a quarter after eight.
Girl: Oh no! i have to go. i totally forgot, i am so sorry. i left my cat in the dryer.
Guy:what?!
Girl: yeah, i totally left her on the spin cycle.
Guy: why did you put your cat in the dryer?!
Girl: i'm not allowed to have her in the dorm room. duh.
Guy: well yeah, but why did you put her in the dryer?
Girl: she has to dry off after you wash her. *giggle* *snort*
Guy: are you out of your mind lady?! you had her in the wash too?
Girl: Well yeah.
Guy: it's people like you who shouldn't own cats. don't you ever read the label? cats are dry-clean only!
Girl: (this guy is crazier than i thought). i've...erm...i've washed her before and nothing has gone wrong...
Guy: yeah, but how many times can that happen before your cat becomes one of those bald hairless ones? huh?
Girl: i...never...thought of that...
Guy: think about it ok? that is serious shiz. (long silence, very awkward). hey, i don't mean to be so harsh, i just love cats...i didn't mean to upset you, it's just that i really like you
Girl: i'm sorry, you're right, i just--it's just that--well--see i found out recently--how do i say this? I need to get tested at the clinic.
Guy: like an IQ test?
Girl: no, more like a test for um...transmittable diseases.
Guy: oh...
Girl: and i am really scared and i'm sure that everything would be better if i had some company or something and i think that you are really nice and so i was wondering, will you go to the clinic with me?
Guy: i'd love to, i'm sure i could help you out and provide whatever security you needed. even if that security meant hiding in your bushes making sure no other men come to your house, i did that for my last girlfriend but she didn't seem to appreciate the love.
Girl: (Agh! shiz shiz shiz shiz shiz) um...yeah, well thanks (brilliant, this is the world's deepest grave right about now)
Guy: you know, this place is crowded, let's go to that dark empty park i mentioned earlier.
Girl: (time to come clean) um...i don't actually need to get tested, i don't have a cat and i think you are psychotic, in fact i'm just glad i lied about my name to you, i really want to go home and forget this night.
Guy: sigh, me too, i tried so hard to make you think i was insane, but you just hung in there and i was freakin' out.
Girl: so i'll just call myself a cab and--wait what? you bastard! you think i'm not attractive or something? huh, my personality not enough? you like that slut of a waitress that super-sized your combo? huh? is that it, am i not high class enough for you? what?! huh?
Guy: no i--i just was--erm--uh, i--sigh
Girl: this date is over! agh! (storms out, and pushes someone entering)
Guy: i totally called it, that was a bullet dodged. *beep* *beep* (looks at watch) oh crap! i gotta pull sniffles out and put in the darks.

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Thursday, December 13, 2007

Briefly

The First Amendment exists to protect the other amendments, it is useless if it does not protect the others or the others remain unprotected. We can have free speech all we want, but if we aren't given the right to a fair trial it means nothing.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Defend the first to defend the rest.

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Sunday, November 4, 2007

Bill Clinton

First of All, let's see this kick ass video of Bill Clinton. He is still the shit.



ok. now that we have established that he is an eloquent, thoughtful, and logical man, let's see what cnn has to say about him.

what? oh. really? you sure?

i guess he was an angry motherfucker that is lashing out at the republicans. and let's not even try to evaluate the truth of his statements or the validity they hold in the world of facts but instead let's focus on how his background is likely to unite voters against his wife.

there's some liberal shiz for you straight from the liberal media trying to shove that liberal bull down our throats. those left-wing lunatics at cnn are so left-leaning with their clinton hating bs that it sickens me.

wait. no. the focus of wolf and anderson is actually about the republicans and how they can capitalize on the clintons. this is not cliffsnotes or a democratic propaganda machine here, this is obviously the media shrinking away from any sort of backlash from the republicans and instead handing the GOP fodder. what type of free press is this when cnn acts like a beaten dog, it is despicable.

that's all i have to say for now.

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Monday, October 29, 2007

Proud of Reno.

Not mine, but i really think everyone from Reno, at least, has to hear this. i absolutely love it. Thomas Lennon, of Reno911! fame sings this song as Lt. Jim Dangle.


Oh! Biggest little city in the World.
300,000 strong.
Kick it!

People knock Reno 'cuz it ain't Las Vegas
Disrespect the town that i know is the greatest
And when these naysayers try to knock the place
I say, "get up out my face I'm from America's adventure place"

bom bom bom bom bom
Get up get down you know I'm proud of Reno
What what what we say
We're keeping it alive in the 775

They've got a fake Eiffel Tower
We got world class winter sports
You can keep Fremont Street
I'll take Virginia and Fourth
And let me clear this up 'cuz some people don't know
yes we do have an airport, it's called Reno slash Tahoe
Some people take trips or family vacations
to Phoenix or Branson, other hot spots in the nation.
But if you're on a budget forget Aspen Colorado
Because the kid's buffet is free at the Reno El Dorado


bom bom bom bom bom
Get up get down you know I'm proud of Reno
What what what we say
Am I in heaven?
No sir, you're in the 89507

We go Reno, Sun-Valley, Truckee and Sparks
Got the bowling hall of fame
Senior(?) programs in the park
So bring your family and your doggies that bark
'cuz 2/3 of Washoe County's pretty safe now after dark
For table gaming and conventions Reno is the bomb
And (hold 'em games are as rapid as ?) Reno(van?).com
And I won't even start with our world famous golf courses
'cuz my voice is getting hoarse and i think we're at the chorus
Oh!


bom bom bom bom bom
Get up get down you know I'm proud of Reno
What what what we say
We're keeping it alive in the 775

Yo, big up Arlington Avenue
big ups Manner drive

sorry, i wrote those lyrics myself, this is nowhere on the internet.

My Top 10...Sci-Fi Worlds

Okay. These aren't ranked mostly because i don't want to be burned at the stake by Trekkies/Trekkers, Star Wars Freaks, or people with a general malice of forethought regarding this list. I really want to add other ones but for now, i won't bore you to death.

Thursday Next: this series is awesome because...wait? is this a sci-fi? umm...ok. i think it is. but anyway, it is set in an alternate universe in the 80's where the Crimean war is still raging, Dodo birds aren't extinct and the government is a fantastically sick mixture of bureaucracy and corporate ownership...wait. whatever. i absolutely love this series because it completely ignores all the paradoxical issues that plague time-travel and just goes with it. events happen at the speed of plot and it openly acknowledges it. it is the mad magazine for literary snobs as well as a parody of the genre it takes advantage of. its irreverence to accuracy beyond the story makes this extremely endearing. who doesn't want to imagine mammoths migrating through suburban Britain? really?


1984 the real dystopia. and the true measurement of how poorly our government is working for us, if you can draw three or more parallels then fear for your life and get active. George Orwell isn't screwing around, he wasn't writing a history, or at least he hoped he wasn't. this book makes you hyper aware of the world and how easy power is to maintain once it has been sacrificed. plus this one doesn't have talking pigs.


Star Wars
ok. it doesn't even make that much sense as a series. george lucas really messed up bad. he couldn't keep the series together and his story was really bad overall, but the original trilogy still makes me get all misty-eyed and i absolutely love the visceral fights using models. he really went wrong with the giant cg jar-jar but overall the creation of a universe that spirits you away to a galaxy fighting a balance of for its very soul while everyone still wears capes is pretty damn awesome. oh, and c'mon, the games are freakin' fun to play.



Star Trek warp 9 is the speed of plot. but don't tell any trekkies that. they'll pull out a phaser and adjust it to kill. you. but otherwise this is an excellent universe because it has a mission of peace, tolerance, and tight one-pieces. but that doesn't happen usually, they kill maim and red-shirts disappear faster than kirk's hairline. personally, i am a picard fan because he is immune to the antics that kirk fell prey to often, he is a ladies-man but chooses not to be. so the prime directive be damned. i hope they keep exploring new worlds.




Firefly
a crazy cool mixture of western cowboy flicks, pop-culture, and eastern traditions flavored with real physics and lovable characters makes this series AWESOME. with a t. i don't know what that means. but really, no sound in space plus no faster than light travel equals geek awesomeness. joss whedon did good with buffy, but i am a sci-fi fanatic. want proof of firefly's awesomeness? my girlfriend says she likes it. there, pick-up chicks with that shiz. "hey baby, i like firefly, you want to go back to my shuttle pod and explore my serenity?" maybe not.

Firefly opening theme

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Cowboy Bebop
kung-fu characters meshed with stylistic japanese anime means this is always fun. more extremely lovable characters and bungling bounty hunters are hysterical when they could do whatever they wanted if they put their mind to it but are usually too lazy to get anything done right. the moon being exploded is pretty awesome too. i mean, who wouldn't want to explore the solar system hunting the heads of wanted fugitives whilst scraping together enough cash to feed yourself.



Futurama fry is frozen in 1999 on the eve of the new year and wakes up in the year 3000. coolness, every geek's secret dream. sci-fi in the future is a boring documentary and they raised the speed of light so that people could travel across the universe faster. and c'mon, i know i always wanted a hedonistic robot for a best friend and to have a mad crush on a cyclops mutant from the sewers. i think.


Futurama Nibbler - More amazing video clips are a click away

I, Robot not the i, robot that will smith pissed on and called a film, but the original isaac asimov stories. through the history and development of robots, asimov also chronicles the development of its core characters as well as the development of robots from clunky servants to intelligent and sentient beings. he writes a definitive treatise on robot ethics, and in society we have already broken them. but like any treatise of idealism it will remain so until someone says that this is messed up shiz. asimov defined quite clearly the pulp version of sci-fi and most sci-fi's derive from him. ESSENTIAL

This


Not This!

I,robot - Funny video clips are a click away

Ghost in the Shell as the world becomes more connected, as people become more connected, what defines the soul of the man? are the drones at their cubicles souls still? as programs become increasingly more sophisticated is it possible that a soul may just develop from it? GitS asked these questions as the fairly young internet was being released to the world. in this noirish film everything, even reality is up for grabs. awesome as both a mind-trip and an exercise in web-ethics.



Akira let's drive around awesome motorcycles and be violent teenagers in a disgruntled political atmosphere. let's be products of a hateful, dying society and explore notions of unfettered power in the process. it's so cool i just had a nerdgasm. really. this is what brought anime to the states, in its uber-violent cinema, it is another film that asks how a post-apocalyptic world will look and if it is possible to rise from the ashes. really, watch it carefully, there is so much symbolism that as i write this more things are occurring to me. it could be a drinking game, a deadly one.



i know this isn't very complete, but i mean, if you have a better suggestion, leave a comment.





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Sunday, October 14, 2007

if life were like a porno...

i'd order pizza every night.

Plumbers would check your pipes, then check your pipes.

Everyone would be beautiful.

Shiny Leather would be the new black.

Whips would go with everything.

All girls would be bi-sexual nymphomaniacs, or lesbians.

Investing in silicone would be prudent, as implants would be mandatory.

"Getting Coffee" would no longer be something you do in public.

All conversations would have poorly acted sexual tension.

Any instrument besides drums and the saxophone would be outlawed.

Say goodbye to Larry Greenberg and say hello to Max Passion.

you know what? Scratch the first one, I would deliver pizzas.

Girls would all have one name like Sassy, or Foxy, or Roxy, or Epilepsy.

Nuns would all be strippers.

Historical artifacts would be made out of plastic.

Hollywood would be the same.

No one would want to play the trombone.

Politicians would never have affairs. Who would want to when your wife is hotter than Pamela Anderson?

Secretaries would all be females in short skirts.

People still wouldn't want to go to Cleveland.

I'd visit the library more often.

Formal dress would mean wearing a bra.

And finally, no one's cell phone would ever go off in the middle of a show because they would all be set to vibrate.


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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Working at the Deli

Me: Hi, what can i get you
Her: I know there is no one else in line and that i have had the opportunity to look at what i want for the last five or so minutes while you prepared other meals, but i got lost in my beautiful boyfriend's eyes.
Me: that's fine, i'm just going to judge you quietly
Her:hmm...i can't figure it out still, i guess it would be easier to put a bullet through my brain.
Me: indeed.
Her: how about you help me studly muffinkins, you gorgeous snookum bear.
Boyfriend: aww...you are so cute kitty nipples, here, let me be a big manly man sweetums mccutiepie.
me: *hurl*
Boyfriend: holy shit! there are a lot of choices.
her: i think i want turkey
me: on what type of bread
Her: cuddly-bear? what type of bread?
boyfriend: *lost in his reflection* huh?
her: you're right, wheat.
me: ok, anything else?
her: *long deep sigh* i'm puzzled by these symbols on this sign
me: you mean words? english?
her: yeah, i just want tomato, and can you grill it?
me: yeah, pickle?
her: *giggle*
me: *bitch-slaps them both as hard as possible*

that is real customer service


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Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Bathroom rules

Guys have a couple of unsaid rules about the bathroom. it is best that these are upheld and that society remains safe. so for everyone's knowledge, the rules of the bathroom.

first, everything goes wrong.

*Fred walks up to the urinal and starts to do his business, Larry enters and starts to do his business in the urinal next to him*
Larry: how's it going? what's up?
*Fred looks up awkwardly and locks eyes with Larry*
Fred: um...good? i guess. how about you?
Larry: just great. Oh. i'm done. say? you need help?
Fred: what? *realizing that Larry has distracted him and that Fred is now missing the mark* Oh shit! um...uh...no i'm fine.
Larry: you sure, it looks like you are having a little trouble there. let me give you a massage. *starts rubbing his shoulders*
Fred: really it's fine could you please--
Larry: nonsense, it's no problem. *starts singing* Sooommeeewhereeee oveeeer the raaaaaaainbow!
Fred: ok, i'm done with this!
Larry: *looks over fred's shoulder* lookin' good. well it was nice meeting you.

ok, you see that, that was wrong. very very wrong.

Rule 1: Always leave a stall between you and the other person. This always applies. Guess what? It works. You Never see mile long lines outside the male lines to the restrooms. It's like quantum physics or something. And even when it is crowded and you can't get a urinal without breaking this rule, you wait. if you have to piss yourself and leave. but wash your hands. Do NOT break the every other stall rule.

Rule 2: Do not make eye contact. Keep your eyes on the prize otherwise bad shit goes down.

Rule 3: No talking. Talking is distracting and awkward.

Bonus rules (when shit gets real bad):

Rule 4: No physical contact. Larry Craig got caught whoring out his body, you just might get your ass kicked by a paranoid Idahoan going through withdrawal at his loss of confidence in the political system...that was a little tangential. suffice it to say that touching is a no no.

Rule 5: No singing. C'mon, really. I never piss myself listening to music and i don't intend to anytime soon.

Rule 6: Don't provide commentary on someone else's package. Why am i explaining this part at all? You don't grope strangers in the street, you don't point out your penis envy in a public restroom.


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Sunday, September 23, 2007

Olivia's Passage

My sister wrote this passage, I love it, it's very nice...enjoy yourself


A pair of lonely brown shoes-with brass buckles delicately placed on
top-sit quietly on the floor. Like soulmates and best friends they stick
together, playfully following the other's step. A smudge of clumpy mud
sticks to the sides of the wearing leather. The insides have worn-in
prints, with a foot mold that you will find matches perfectly with the
foot that places itself in it everyday.
The shoes rest peacefully by one another secretly exchanging each
other's events.
"Did you see the red chair on my right?"
"No," replies the left, "you were on my right."
A new morning, brown leather stitched with morning dewed grass,
marches through the wandering halls of school. Little buckles, brass
eyes meet and greet their friendly leather, cloth, and plastic
friends.Watching, knowing, guiding through the halls, lonely browns
wanders from class to class, desk to desk, and colored tile to tile.
Lonely browns sleep by side on their soft carpet bed, resting for
another walk, another stroll through a meandering day. Another day,
another wearing spot, a mud smudge, and another rust scratch repeated
day after day; until one day lonely browns will rest peacefully forever
on their carpet bed.


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An Open Letter from God

Hi. It's me. God. Y'know that guy from the Bible.

whatever.

I have a few things to say to you...and anyone else listening out there. That's right, I am asking if you are listening this time. In fact, that's my first problem, always looking up to the sky and yelling, "are you out there? are you listening?" Yes and Yes. but i don't give a shit about you breaking up with your girlfriend, you getting fired from stupid-ass burger flipping job or whatever you really think is a problem. i am listening, and you don't need to yell, you don't need to look at the sky like some sort of hunk in a chick flick movie in the rain. I'm omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. i know, i hear, i just don't give a shit.

let's break-down my existence a little more thoroughly so that you understand. i can control anything at all times but i gave humans free choice. okay? so when you ask for divine intervention i ain't going to do shit. k? cuz you already screwed up, i don't have to dictate life or the world, cuz that is your job. free choice right? see. Damn you humans are dense, worse than any of the other animals. i mean, the zebras don't complain when they get eaten and you complain when you are still living in your mother's basement cuz your band just won't "take-off". i got a hint for you, stop smoking so much pot! i mean, let's be honest, when the zebra is getting tackled by the lion its only thought is, "bad day". Fuck! It's not even fucking complaining or begging for the Chicago fucking Cubs to win a game, it's just bad day. y'know you humans have to figure another thing out too.

the universe isn't just me. it's a whole freakin' network of hard-working bureaucrats that make the universe possible. i mean, yeah, i do a lot of work, and earth is in my jurisdiction but Jesus and I are part of the universe Team! you need to give props occasionally to my supervisor or maybe like send him just a thank you card. he works hard and at the end of the day he has to go back home without any thanks. which might be just as well because you guys are chronic complainers. for every 1 thank you i get about 326,745 requests for something you don't need.

that's just bullshit. and i know when you are lying. what the fuck do you think saying that you want world peace when all you really want is to boink the secretary. forget it. say it only if you mean it. jeez, i can tell when you are lying, I'M GOD for Godsakes! oh, and that's another thing, not that i really care anyway because you'll do it anyhow, but stop doing things in my name. you never do them right, and when you do you do them in the way that gets everyone mad at me. Like kill six million jews. Not cool dude.

really, not cool.

oh and i'm tired of this bullshit about the bible. i was drunk one night alright! i peed on a bush and thought it would be funny to tell moses all that shit. oh, did i mention that. my piss is extremely flammable. that pretty much explains all of the fire in the bible, okay? i have to pee. it just usually happened at crucial moments. and moses and all of that bible bullshit is pretty crazy too because they just made up the rest of all that shit. i mean, i guess i did have kidney stones, so those were the falling rocks of fire but other than that moses just made shit up because he knew how to read a fucking almanac. same for noah. oh, and i didn't kick adam and eve out of paradise, i just asked them if they'd like to stop climbing around in trees and flinging shit at each other. really, i only meant it as a joke, i didn't think anything would ever want to stop eating bananas, fucking in trees, and sleeping all-day. go figure, they did.

that brings me to evolution. what the fuck! seriously, all the evidence is fucking there, and because of my piss drunk escapades you think you have irrefutable proof that it doesn't exist. let me clue you in to something, it's true. evolution is how we do it. what do you think? that i really say, "let there be light?" no i have to rigorously test and design a functional universe set. but because it was on the old universe beta .94 model, you have to start it with a "big bang" and then you have to let the delicate particles form themselves. the idea is that life can create itself given the near infinite size presented by the universe. duh. so i really don't have much say in what goes on except with some of the upgrades that allow me to control weather every now and then.

you know all those hurricanes? they are a hint that you should stop suffocating yourselves and everything else that jesus and I have worked on. i mean, let's be honest here. you were a mistake. like the bastard child that forces a sane hollywood actress to marry a compulsively psychotic "scientologist" actor. i mean, i really was working on getting the octopus to take off. they are so cool. they can squeeze through tubes and shit. i mean, you can't do that. whatever. i blame it on jesus, because right when you came around jesus joined the team and now we have this fiasco for dying for your sins and creating sects of religions and basically fucking up any non-"christian" nation out there. he was new okay? he makes mistakes and it became clear when he went to earth that controlling your population growth was going to be harder than expected. that's right i said it. you are a weed. i mean, you are even more of a weed than that natural little green thing that is popping up through your hideously unnatural parking lot. in fact, we are using them as a preliminary first step toward eradicating your disgusting installations upon my nice little patch of life.

you know what? i don't care. you obviously aren't listening, and so i am not either. see? huh? FUCK YOU. okay. just fuck it.

God.


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Dispatch from the Dishes

ok. i am washing dishes and working in the cafeteria. it's not so bad.

but it could be better. and here's how.

1st, you could put your fucking silverware where it needs to go. there are two--TWO--fucking places that you walk by where you get the opportunity to put your silverware. you obviously can't figure out one so they put two for you just in case you are extra slow. what we get instead is a bunch of forks, knives, and spoons in the back room...now, i don't know about you but i think that forks, knives, and spoons are what we call SILVERWARE. they are silver...and ware. whatever the fuck that means. so get your act together and put the silverware in the little hole that says "silverware goes here"

2nd is the mugs put out of reach that are still full. i know you think it's cute to go with your little friends to get some coffee or tea. and it is. and i hope you really enjoy the time you spend chatting it up and forgetting that you have a mug full of hot liquid, because i never forget it and i always spill it on me because i try to work fast back there--y'know to be courteous to you so you don't have to put your dishes on the tray--and i tend to grab the opaque mugs assuming that you can finish your goddamn little drink full of scalding hot liquid. i have learned something...you can't. so if you don't want to get a drink but just hang with your friends then just say no to burning the busboy.

3rd, third-world countries full gdp has gone down the drain because you think you can eat more than you really can. it's bullshit. if you want more get seconds, if you can't eat that much get a little less. c'mon, i know you are a bunch of prep school retards that think the nanny is gonna deal with it, but i got news for you, she ain't, i am. and i get pissed when i realize that starving children all over the world would shit out their aorta just to smell that food. so please don't waste food it's just not cool.

more when i figure it out. but suffice it to say that you guys can't be retarded




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For Public Eyes Only

this is the statement.

the big constitution.

the crazy bylaws.

why this--this being the blog--is here.

this is for the stuff that people will care to read, i'm sure you will want to read/see anything else i post on my other stuff...not really, but i mean, this is where the cool stuff...if there really is cool stuff goes. i mean, i will try my best to put the cool stuff here.

cool, to be clear, has a very loose definition in this circumstance. cool means i don't gush about emotions and pms all over this. and trust me, you don't want to see a guy pms all over a blog. it's difficult...well actually the stuff after is difficult...whatever.

this is for everyone's enjoyment.